You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Oh thanks BBC.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”