How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function