“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
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Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Every work call, he judges.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private