Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
You Might Also Like
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss