Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
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{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Well, this certainly took a turn
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold