7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
You Might Also Like
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?