Seems kinda suspicious
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TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them