Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Awesome parenting 😂
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.