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Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.