Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
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Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I drew y’all a little something.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.