[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My favorite farside!!
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy