Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
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isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight