What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
You Might Also Like
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
One venti cheeseburger please.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.