[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Social Media and Real life
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen