Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
You Might Also Like
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics