I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
lmfao
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.