DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure