I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
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You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Hey i am sexy to you now
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!