My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
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Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Taliband
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*