‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
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Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree