My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.