Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
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I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule