If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣