I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
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“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off