A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
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i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Very good! 👍😂
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else