Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
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Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Not my job 😂
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?