Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
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I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
dogs can find happiness so easily
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭