“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
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My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.