*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”