[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.