It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
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RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last