Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
who wants to go expliring
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.