Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
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I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars