ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
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“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U