[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
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If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.