Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
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Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Anyone want a chair?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
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It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”