Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
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I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea