Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
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marvel comics have peaked
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
*offers Batman cough drops*