Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.