Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
You Might Also Like
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.