Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud