I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
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My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
good let them take over I have had enough
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes