4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
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Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
the way this pissed me off… 😭
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Lol
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.