Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
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Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
there’s probably a fee though
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.