Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
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man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.