To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”