[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
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Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Well, this explains it:
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Lmao
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body