Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
You Might Also Like
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
how to have fun when you’re poor
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Pikachu found the lost joint
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.