The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
R.I.P.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.