I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not